May I have your attention please?

Attention future parents, moms to be, toddlers playing house and mommy on the playground-let this be your official warning: Parenting.IS.challenging.

And no, I am not just talking about the sleep deprivation and self induced crankiness that follows. While that first part sucks, apparently, no one tells you that it just gets more and more challenging. Sure, there are joys to go with it too--first smiles, first steps, first words, hugs, kisses, etc. And these are the things that will get you through. But truly, just like with pregnancy, the general public just does not forewarn you about all the not so fun stuff. Let's categorize this into five categories.

Sight-the THINGS you will see. Dear lord, prepare yourself. You will see kids put their hands in their pants, pull it out, and then (wait for it)-SNIFF. Ack. You will see way too much ass crack. You will see nose picking. You will see too much.

Sound-the NOISE. The level of noise. The whining. The crying, The screaming. The repeating the things you say, and it is only the choice words at the most inopportune times such as shit, dammit, and so on.

Smell-See my first anecdote in sight. Way too much poop smell, and vomit smell. Too much.

Taste-well, this can be good or bad. Sometimes, you have to taste a child made concoction. Something like raisins and peanut butter and pickles all stuck together in a ball. Ack. On the other hand, a sweet slobbery popsicle kiss can be oh so sweet.

Touch-While there can a lot of touching, too much sometimes, there really is nothing as sweet as a kid snuggle or a bear hug. The problem is, those seem to be fewer and farther between lately.

In any event, the point is this: parenting is like a roller coaster. You make it up the hill of sleep deprivation and then you breeze down the hill of they can't move yet or talk yet and all they do is smile! AH. But before you know it, you are climbing the hill of the terrible twos. And then you coast down through consistent naptimes. Then you climb through potty training and breeze through NO.MORE.DIAPERS. And then before you know it, you realize you have made it through all the checklists and now, your primary role, as it has always been but possibly clouded by those milestones and checklists, is to raise a good, honest human being. One who makes good choices, who is kind and honest, who can make friends easily and can be a loyal friend. One who will look to you and watch your every move and will try to be like you, thinking you are the be all and end all. Now is the time that I should be on my best behavior, at a time that I feel is so challenging and overwhelming as a parent. Sigh.

So, let me reiterate. Parenting. Is. Challenging. Buckle up. You are in for a wild ride.

I have more today....

OK, two quick things--First things first. Today it happened. The thing I hoped would never happen and the thing that has happened before but not to this level.....drum roll please: One of my kids turned into a class A brat in a store whining and crying and begging and stomping feet making ridiculous pleas for ridiculous toys and other miscellaneous crap. It was hard for me to remain patient, but I did....until I didn't. And when I could no longer be patient, I became that mom, the crazy mom, getting down to her child's level, talking between clenched teeth and telling her (yes, now you know it was not John) to cut the sh*t. So, all you 20 somethings young and in love and you newlyweds with no children or little babies in tow and making your judgements, JUST LIKE I DID, let this be your warning. IT.WILL.HAPPEN.TO.YOU. Sure, you will be a better mom, you will never let your kids act that way, you will have it all together, blah blah blah. I repeat. IT.WILL.HAPPEN.TO.YOU.

OK, second agenda item---girls clothing. All I really have to say is WOW. Is it really necessary to dress little girls like complete whores. I mean, geez, while we are at it, why not get them all breast implants and botox at age 5. Good god. It is getting more and more challenging to dress my kids like the little girls they are as opposed to the little hookers you clothing manufacturers would like them to be. Please, BACK OFF and let them have an innocent childhood, let them enjoy brief underwear and allow them to wear a one piece bathing suit with pride. And no, a monokini does not count as a one piece here. Good lord. really??? Perhaps I should go into clothing design. I know nothing about it, but what I do know is that no little girl needs hip huggers, low riders, skinny jeans, trashy undies or midriff baring shirts to name but a few.

OK, rant over. Enjoy the Oscars!

The Slumber Party

This weekend, due to some home reovations, we had the first Dowling family slumber party in the basement. I had the place set up so nicely. Pull out couch for me and Sean, and two double sized aerobeds for the kids. I made them, put all their necessary stuffies and other random items on the bed, put a few night lights in appropriate places, rented a G rated family flick, got some popcorn, etc etc. All they could possibly need.

We went to a friend's house for dinner and arrived home around 8:15. Kids were in jammies. Movie went in and I hoped for a quiet drift off into slumber, with Horton Hears a Who lulling everyone into happy sleep. HA! How naive I am. The issues began quickly. There was drama over blanket distribution, space per child, amount of popcorn each child was given to start. There was also a lot of whispering and giggling, which was cute for the first 15 minutes or so but then quickly wore on my nerves.

We quickly moved into phase two of annoyances--all body related and not pleasant: poops, coughing, a loose tooth that was barely hanging on.... Phase two led to phase three--the overtired and extremely dramatic WHINE! This is where I lost my patience. I held on for a long time, but then, just like that, I LOST.MY.PATIENCE. Folks, it was not pretty. It was riddled with me making ridiculous threats about people sleeping in the garage with the mice---not my proudest parenting moment.....

At about 11:30 all were finally asleep, but there were several more wake up calls in them iddle of the night. And somehow, the two men of the house slept through it all. That ability to sleep through ANYTHING chromosome....we women got gipped.

Sweet Dreams